Twin Terror

Not that my twins are a terror…more like, I’m terrified of twins!

I’ll be okay, of course.  I know that.  Many people have gone before me and successfully raised twins, and I will find ways to do it, too.  I know that support is out there and I’ll find others who are going through the same struggles and triumphs.  And it will be such a beautiful and unique experience!  I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Still, I’m just nervous.  Now that I’m 11.5 weeks along (and all is going well, as far as I know…two successful ultrasounds already, and the next one is in a little less than 2 weeks), the reality is starting to sink in.  I’m allowing myself to get a bit more attached, since we are almost out of the first trimester and things are going smoothly.  I just might make it out in August with two little newborn babies!

But as the news sinks in, so does the reality of raising two babies.  How will I breastfeed?  Will I have any time for myself in the entire first year?  Will I have any identity other than “mommy of twins”?  Will I have time to do anything else besides be a “mommy of twins”?  How will we afford getting two of so many things, not to mention the lost income from me staying home for the first few years?

I wish that my parents were close by, but that is not an option.  We live with my father-in-law, but he is not in the best health and can’t really take care of newborns (other than maybe watching them while they nap, which I desperately hope he will be willing to do so I can go for runs and finish errands without two babies in tow!).  I knew that life would be different after having a baby–however, with two, the change seems so much more drastic.  Two babies with two different sets of needs and personalities and temperaments.  Perhaps two different sleeping schedules.  I must become a master of multitasking if I want to get anything done besides feeding and changing diapers!

So I have a lot of things to think about.

That being said, I am grateful for the opportunity to be planning for and worried about babies on the way, rather than aimlessly waiting to get pregnant and not knowing what to do with myself while I waited for…well, who knows how long?  This is a much better kind of stress.  God is good.

So much news

I started this blog in the beginning of month 4 of trying to conceive after a miscarriage in June.  I was prepared for a very long road at that point.  The first time happened with no effort, but the months of trying had proven unfruitful, and there are no guarantees in life.  Many women have a long, hard struggle to conceive for no apparent reason at all.  Losses happen with no explanation or real consolation.  In this pursuit, there are only statistics, and statistics don’t mean anything when you’re found in the minority.  And when you believe that God is sovereign over everything.

Although four months isn’t a very long time, it was enough to get me used to disappointment.  I tested less frequently each month.  I found more distractions.  I pursued things as if I were not planning on having a baby at all.  I applied for a job in a different school district, I signed up for a 10k race in the Spring, I planned a whisky tasting and bike riding getaway for my husband’s birthday.  My husband and I started talking about maybe waiting to try for another year or so in order to have more time to save up money so I can stay home with the baby, and so that we could have more time to explore our new town and enjoy a carefree summer in our new house.  We could travel a bit more and run a cool-looking half marathon held near our new house, we could enjoy drinks with friends and have time to set up the house and finish painting and all the little home-improvement projects that we found ourselves faced with.  After all, if I can’t enjoy life before a baby, how will I learn to enjoy it after, when there are many additional stressors?

I don’t exactly believe that things happen when you give up trying, but there does seem to be a kernel of truth to it.  I didn’t stop trying, of course.  I was getting a little tired of trying, and we considered putting off trying for awhile if the fourth month wasn’t successful, but I used the digital OPK and took maca root and charted my basal body temperature for the first time and certainly put forth effort.  I actually WANTED to be able to give up trying, because I thought that maybe then it would happen faster, and I was frustrated that I couldn’t really force myself to give up hope so easily.

Well…if I haven’t given it away yet…..




…..we’re pregnant!!


Fourth time’s the charm.

And wouldn’t you know it…when I went for my early ultrasound last Friday, the technician found not just one healthy beating heart….but TWO!



So, there has been a lot to process these past few weeks.  Based on the measurement of the larger twin at my ultrasound, I should be about 9 weeks on Saturday.  Not far enough to be out of the woods, but the two little beans were already measuring further along than the last one that I lost, and I saw two strong heartbeats and they were measuring on time (one was even ahead of schedule), so I will remain optimistic.  There has been no sign that anything is wrong, so I will believe that everything is alright.

I wanted to make sure that I posted this because in the few months that I was trying and waiting, I received much hope from reading blogs of women who struggled to conceive and then were successful.  Even more so if I saw that their baby made it full-term and was born healthy.  So I will continue to post updates so that this story will not be forgotten, and that God’s goodness to those who wait may be glorified.

Until next time!